Ep #9: Understanding Your Results

Welcome to The Alpha Male Coach Podcast, the only podcast that teaches men the cognitive mastery and alpha-mindset that it takes to become an influential and irresistible man of confidence. Here’s your host, certified life coach and international man of mystery, Kevin Aillaud.

What’s up, brothers? Welcome back to The Alpha Male Coach Podcast. I am the Alpha Male Coach, Kevin Aillaud. And today, we’re talking about results. We’re talking about results. We are at the last line of the Model.

Now, the Model is how we apply the universal truth for how life works. And the universal truth for how life works is that circumstances in our life triggers a thought that we have. We have a thought. That thought creates an emotion. That emotion drives an action.

The action that we take or don’t take will then determine our results. We’re talking about results today. And I’m going to mention this again; the result will then reinforce the original thought, which is completely independent of the circumstance. Circumstances are neutral. They’re just out there.

I say circumstances trigger thoughts. They don’t cause thoughts. They’re not even correlates to thoughts. Circumstances exist, they’re neutral. You can think anything you want about them. They’re not even really loosely connected to thoughts because you can think anything you want about a circumstance.

So it’s not like there’s something such as a bad circumstance or a good circumstance that you have a thought about. They’re completely neutral, and then you get to think anything you want about them.

Now, when we’re talking about results, it gets very interesting here because we have to first say, what is a result? We want to determine what a result is. We want to define a result. And a result is how your actions affect your life. How does what you do or don’t do affect what you have or don’t have.

So when we look at results, we just look at what we have in our lives. You can look at the money you have or don’t have. You can look at the relationships you have or don’t have, the type of women that you talk to or don’t talk to, the friends that you have, how many of them, the job that you have.

All of these things are your results and they’re all based on your thoughts. Now, so many people think that they come from circumstance. So many people think that, well the things that I have in my life are because of my circumstances or because of my past, because of what’s happened to me, because of something that occurred with my boss. My boss said this or did this and therefore this happened to me; like there’s some sort of outside person or thing or event is what determines the results in your life.

This isn’t true. This is the illusion that we work with, that we basically have been convinced to believe. And I see it all the time. I see it in magazines. I see it in television. I see it in movies. I hear it in music. I see it in social media. We’re constantly conditioned to believe that we can blame our circumstances for our results, and this is not the case. This is the illusion.

And this is actually called confirmation bias, but I’m going to get back to that in a moment. Our results are the direct effect of our actions. This is the law of cause and effect. We create an action, we have an action or inaction, and that is the cause that creates the effect of a result.

One specific action will always create one specific result. This is the law of cause and effect. Now, what I love about this is that as an alpha male, you can influence. Influence is possible. You have the ability to influence people with your behavior because when they watch you, they get to think what they want, and it’s your confidence, it’s how you carry yourself that they get to think however they want to think.

But we can never manipulate or control other people. We just don’t do that. It’s possible to do that, of course. There’s certain ways of manipulating people and there’s ways of controlling people mentally, physically, emotionally, but this is not what the alpha male does. The alpha male does not do this because the alpha male knows that the universal truth applies to all people, and all people have their power of cognition to create the emotions, take the actions, and get the results that they want.

And most people do this unconsciously, but what I love about this is that when we look at Models and we do Models, which we’re going to do a few today, the results line never have other people in them. When you go through the Alpha Male Program, when you learn to unleash your alpha male, you start to recognize that other people never go in your result line.

Other people are never part of your result. Now, you might say, well what about my job? Like, if I want to get this job, then I have to have the result line where the interviewer accepts my application and decides to give me the job.  Or if I want to get a woman’s phone number, my result being I want to get her phone number, then she has to, in some way, hand over that phone number, right? She has to be in that result line.

But what I’m telling you is your actions are not determining whether you get that job or not. Your actions are not determining whether you get that phone number or not. What’s determining whether you get that job, what’s determining whether you get that phone number is that person’s thoughts. it’s that person’s Model. It’s how they think, how they feel, and if they decide to act that way.

There’s nothing to do with you, and that is the cognitive mastery and the emotional responsibility you take as an alpha male. You start to recognize that other people never ever end up in your results line. Now, like I said, results are going to reinforce your original thought. And for a lot of people, this creates what I call confirmation bias. This is a psychological term.

Confirmation bias – it’s basically suffering from the illusion that your thoughts are facts. You believe that your thoughts are circumstances. That is what a confirmation bias is. It’s having a thought about a circumstance, and then because the result you get from that thought reinforces that thought, you now believe that that thought is true and it is directly related to that circumstance, that it in some way has some kind of causal effect with that circumstance.

And that’s confirmation bias. And a lot of people suffer from this, on the positive side and on the negative side, because confirmation bias can confirm how awesome you think about yourself. It can also confirm how horrible you think about yourself. It all depends on what that original thought is.

If that original thought is very positive, very motivating, then you can create confirmation bias to really reinforce these positive things about yourself, but most people don’t go that way. In fact, the brain doesn’t really work that way. The brain is always trying to solve problems. And when you turn your brain on yourself, it’s going to look for problems, and then it’s going to use confirmation bias. It’s going to use the results in your life, what you have, what you don’t have, to basically reinforce that thought.

So you know what results are. You know that results are what you have and don’t have in your life. It’s the outward expression of your life.  And it can become circumstance. Your results can become your circumstances if they become facts.

So if I weigh 180 pounds and my thought is I want to workout hard and I want to put on some muscle and I’m feeling motivated by this thought and I take the action to eat right and go to the gym and train hard and my result ends up being that now I weigh 190 pounds, due to my action, the cause and effect, then my new circumstance is that I’m 190 pounds.

So a result can become a circumstance, but it doesn’t always become a circumstance. It’s just what shows up in your life. And results really aren’t that complicated, guys. That’s really all there is about results. I want to spend the rest of this time going through some Models so you can see how this universal truth shows up and is applied all the time in every moment of your life. It happens all the time.

So I’ve got three circumstances that I’m going to go through with you guys, and we’re going to kind of mess around with some stuff. We’re going to look at these Models and we’re going to change them around.

The first one is, there’s a woman. We see a woman.  Now, this woman could be anywhere. I’m just going to put in the circumstance line, woman. It could be in a bar. It could be in a coffee shop. It could be walking down the street. It doesn’t matter where, but you see a woman.

Now, if your thought is something negative, if you’re thinking I’m not good enough, if you’re thinking there’s something wrong with me – if you have this constant unconscious thought – and again, you may not even be aware of your thoughts. A lot of times, with my students, they’re not aware of their thoughts. They’re just aware of their emotion.

They see a woman that they find attractive and they just feel anxiety; that’s it.  There’s no thought. In fact, their mind is usually full of some sort of fog. Like, their mind goes blank, and that anxiety – remember, anxiety is an emotion of resistance. Anxiety is not an actual emotion, it is a feeling of resisting an emotion.

Usually, that emotion is fear. If you see a beautiful woman, or a woman you find to be beautiful, the thought is, I’m not good enough, she’s so beautiful, she’s going to reject me. The fear of rejection comes up. That’s the emotion. The chemical of fear goes into the body. That feels horrible. Fear feels horrible. So instead, we resist against that fear and feel anxiety instead. And we call that approach anxiety. We call that social anxiety.

So a lot of people have this. A lot of people feel this.  Now, what are the actions that come from approach anxiety? What are the actions that come from social anxiety? It’s holding back. It’s resistance. It’s hesitation. It’s not approaching this woman. It’s not going to talk to her. It’s actually inaction. It’s sort of a paralysis. It’s a hiding. It’s a removing yourself. These are the actions that are taken with this emotional derivative, with anxiety, with the fear.

And the result is that you miss opportunity. What happens in your life?  You miss the opportunity to talk to this woman. You let yourself down. That is the result. And when you let yourself down constantly from your actions, you deplete your confidence.

Now, I want you guys to see here, the reason I’m going through this, I want you to see that when you let yourself down, when that’s your result, that result is going to reinforce the original thought of, I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough to myself. I’m letting myself down. You’re basically reinforcing that you’re not good enough.

You’re reinforcing yourself that you easily let yourself down. You let people down and she’s going to reject you because you’re rejecting yourself. You see how that works, guys? There’s that reinforcement from result to thought which has nothing to do with the woman, because there could be another thought in there. This is what I teach my students; with another thought, you can have a completely different emotion and a completely different action.

Now, the emotion that we want is confidence, but confidence takes some time. Confidence takes some effort. You can just feel confident. You can do it, but really to cultivate and train that emotion takes some time. It takes some practice. It’s a skill set.

So I like to start with my students with courage. I like to have them start with courage with a thought like, I can do this. There’s a woman over there, I want to talk to her. I can do this. I can do this.  And that thought creates courage. I can, I can, I can.

Now, when you feel courage, courage is action with fear. It’s feeling fear and acting anyway. And so when you build up your courage, you still feel the fear, but you learn to take action. You learn to move forward. More and more courage eventually develops confidence.

But when you feel courage and you take that action, the action is to approach her. It’s to talk to her. It’s to introduce yourself to her. Now, the result is, I did it.  That’s the result. That is what occurs from that action. When you take the action to approach this woman, the result you get is that you’ve accomplished the approach. You did it.

And you can see how, I did it, reinforces the thought, I can do this. You do that 10 times, you do that 20 times, you do that 30, 40, 50, 100 times and I guarantee you, you’re going to reinforce those thoughts. That cycle in the Model is going to become more natural. And the more courage you cultivate, the more confidence you’ll develop.

Now, a confident thought might be, I trust myself to handle any situation. It really doesn’t matter what she does. She could say whatever she wants, it doesn’t matter. I could say whatever I want and it doesn’t matter because that’s confidence.

Confidence is the thought, I trust myself to handle any situation. If I think that and I approach with confidence, I feel confident and then I approach, then the result is, I can trust myself to do these things. I can trust myself no matter what, it doesn’t matter what happens, that’s my result. I can do anything I want. That’s the power of confidence.

That’s why I love confidence as the massive action, as the emotion that drives massive action, because really, it’s confidence that will get you to act on anything that you want. Again, you can have any thought you want.  You could be thinking, I’m awesome, I’m amazing, I’m fun, I’m exciting. And depending on what you’re thinking, you’re going to have that emotion that follows, which is going to create the action.

But always remember that the result doesn’t have to do with what she does. The result doesn’t have anything to do with the other person. It only has to do with what comes from your action. Your action is approaching this woman. The result is you’ve approached this woman.

Now, you take it a step further and you start to take more actions with different thoughts, different emotions, then we have different models. We’re running different models on there.

Okay, guys, number two, the second Model we’re going to talk about, this one has to do with processing and feeling emotion. Because again, a lot of my guys, they don’t know how to do this. This is something that needs to happen to really create a relationship with yourself, but it’s something that really we were never taught to do. No school, no high school, no middle school, definitely no college has a course on processing emotion, being aware of your thinking.

I mean, they fill your head with stuff. They fill your head with whats and whys, but they never teach you how to use your brain. So the circumstance is, there’s a woman on TV in a swimsuit.

Now, the thought is, I don’t feel connected to anyone. Again, this could be an unconscious thought. You might be single. You might be in a relationship that you just don’t feel a strong connection with your partner, and you think the thought, I don’t feel connected to anyone. I don’t feel connection. I don’t feel sexual connection, physical intimacy.

And the feeling is disconnected. It could even be shame. There might be a little bit of shame in there, like I don’t feel connected, I feel empty. And so the action is to watch pornography, right? I’m going to go buffer my emotion. I don’t want to feel shame. I don’t want to feel disconnected. I don’t want to feel this way. I want to instead try to connect. I want to connect with something, with somebody.

And so to go and watch pornography is the action. Now, the result is that you’re either still single or you’re still in a relationship that has no connection. You’ve compounded the shame. You’ve become more disconnected, but you’re really less connected to yourself because you end up avoiding that emotion. You’re not paying attention to that emotion, to what’s happening there.

Instead, you’re searching for dopamine. You’re looking for that quick false pleasure and that dopamine is giving you that false pleasure without allowing you to understand the negative emotion and process the negative emotion. So the result is going to then reinforce the thought, I don’t feel connected. You continue to not feel connected.

Now, for this next model, we’re going to use the same circumstance, and I’m even going to use the same thought, because for a lot of my students, for a lot of my guys, one of the first pieces, one of the first places – in fact, phase one of coaching is to take control of any pornography habit there might be, because it’s one of the big things that separates you from yourself and it separates you from other people.

So with that same trigger, seeing a woman on TV in a swimsuit, there may be that same thought, I don’t feel connected to anyone. And again, maybe it’s because you’re single or maybe just you’re in a relationship that’s starting to fade, you’re beginning to get some disconnect in there.

And so again, the emotion is the same. It’s shame, it’s disconnect, but instead of acting, instead of going to the buffer, instead of going to the pornography, that false pleasure to get that dopamine release, avoiding the emotion, avoiding the uncomfortable emotion, the action is to allow that emotion, just to process it through your body.

And again, guys, I’m not going to go back to the emotion podcast, but I want to remind you here that an emotion is never going to hurt you. An emotion is not physically harmful. All an emotion is, is a physiological change in your body at the cellular level. It’s basically just your cells vibrating. And sometimes, it feels good. Sometimes these emotions feel good. Sometimes they feel bad; comfortable, uncomfortable emotions.

But all they are is cells wiggling. It’d be like a waterbed. Think about a waterbed. It’s perfectly flat, you know, and there’s no motion, and then you drop like a bowling ball on it and all the waves start moving. Sometimes that feels good. Sometimes that does not feel good. So it’s just the waves; that’s all it is. It’s just the vibration in the cell.

So when you allow the emotion, when you process the emotion, the result that you get in your life is that you are more connected to yourself because you processed that emotion that interrupts the thought that you don’t feel connected to anybody. That’s how we start to remove the habit of pornography. That’s how we start to eliminate that, which is basically unwire it the same way it was wired.

I mean, pornography is just an action, so it’s essentially like Pavlov’s Dog. It’s a stimulus response. The stimulus is that uncomfortable emotion. The response is the action, watching pornography. When we start to allow the stimulus without the action, then we start to remove that connection between the two. And that’s how you get to be more connected with yourself.

Okay, guys, the third Model that I want you guys to see is with the circumstance that my girlfriend or my wife, depending on whether you’re in a long-term, short-term, or married relationship – my girlfriend or wife and I have sex once a month. Now remember, circumstances are facts.

So if you look at your calendar and you know for a fact that you and your partner only have sex one time a month, that is a fact. If you have sex two times a month, that’s a fact. If you have sex one time a week, that’s a fact. But you can’t say, “Me and my partner don’t have sex very often…” because that’s a thought.

What is not very often? For some people, not very often is three times a week, like that’s not enough. For other people it’s two times a year is not enough. But if the circumstance is factual and we can say quantifiably that my girlfriend and I have sex one time a month, then we can start looking at what does that mean to you. What are your thoughts around that?

Now, I’ve got three thoughts here. One thought is, she’s not attracted to me. she doesn’t like me. And the emotion is defeated and insecure. My actions are then to become needy. I start to need her more. I feel insecure so I start to pull on her. I start to keep her around. I start to do things like I try to trick her into telling me that she cares about me and that she is attracted to me and that she does like me.

But when I do these actions, the result is that I’m not attracted to myself. I don’t like me anymore because I am not my best because I’m not showing up as my personal best. And that result reinforces back to the thought that she’s not attracted to me. If I’m not being my best, then why would she be attracted to me?

Now, maybe she is, maybe she isn’t, but it has nothing to do with her. The result is, I’m not being my best. I don’t like who I’m being when I’m being needy, when I’m doing all these actions out of insecurity and feeling defeated.

Okay, another thought might be she’s cheating on me. We have sex one time a month, what do I make that mean in my head? She’s cheating on me.

I might feel suspicious, and in my suspicion, my actions with suspicious emotion, I might take the action to check her phone. I might follow her. I might question her a bunch, like interrogate her. I might act crazy around her.

And the result is, she might leave, she might not leave, but without her in the result line, the relationship is over. The relationship has changed. When I start acting in ways like this, when I start checking her phone, following her, when I start doing these things then the relationship is different. Essentially, I’m cheating on her because I’m no longer the same person that I was.

I am now this person who is acting in a way that is completely crazy. So the relationship is no longer what it was and it’s reinforcing the idea that she’s cheating on me. Now, she may be, she may not be, but that’s not what that result is reinforcing. What that result is reinforcing is that I am cheating on myself. Again, I am not being the person who I am. I’m not being my best version of myself.

So let’s take it to one more thought so you can really see how the circumstance is completely neutral. My girlfriend and I have sex one time a month and I think I am the man and this is my woman. I’m the man, and when I think that, I feel passionate. I feel sexy. I feel seductive. I am the man, right?

And so my actions are to seduce her, to take control, to step up, to communicate. Like, we are in a relationship, I’m the man, you’re the woman, baby let’s talk. Let’s talk- about this. Let’s open this up. And again, these actions, guys, I’m not telling you what to do. I would never tell anybody what to do. Only you know what is best in terms of how to act, in terms of what to say.

Maybe it’s light some candles, maybe it’s put on some music, some of that good Marvin Gaye, maybe Usher, maybe you’re an Usher fan, maybe you’re an R-Kelly fan, I don’t know, but you put on whatever you want. Maybe it’s taking your partner out on a date, showing her a good time, having some fun, showing some excitement, showing some adventure.

But whatever it is, those action lines, whatever you do in that action line is going to get a result. Now, maybe it’s more sex. Maybe it is. Maybe it’s not, because that is up to her. That is going to be in her Model, how she thinks about the circumstances that you’re creating with your actions. Because remember, your actions are her circumstances, but your result is that you become the man. You are the man. You are taking control of this relationship. You are making decisions. You’re taking her out, you’re showing her excitement, you’re showing her adventure, you’re stepping up.

You’re becoming the alpha in the relationship. And that will reinforce the thought that I’m the man. I’m the man, this is my woman. So with the same circumstance, my girlfriend and I have sex one time a month, you can have all kinds of thoughts you want. There is no causal relationship between a circumstance and a thought. There is no correlation between a circumstance and a thought.

It’s just a trigger. The circumstance is a fact, it exists and it’s out there, and you get to decide how to think about it any way you want. And depending on how you think about it, brother, that is what’s going to determine your result, always.

Now again, your result might become a circumstance. Let’s say you decide to think, I am the man, and you feel super passionate and you take all those actions and you do end up having more sex, guess what your new circumstance is; now your girlfriend and you are having sex five times a week. Now you have a new circumstance.

But regardless of if the circumstance changes or not, it might still be one time a month, your result is coming from your thinking. Whatever you’re thinking is what’s going to determine your result. That’s what I’ve got for you guys on results and that is the end of the Model. So the 10^th episode, next episode, I am going to bring on a guest I’m going to be interviewing.

I’m going to bring on a guest every 10 episodes. I’m going to have somebody on the podcast and it’s going to be super awesome. We’re going to do a little back and forth. We’re going to have a little dialogue. You guys are going to love it.

Before I go, I’ve got two things for you. Number one, leave me a review. Leave me a review, guys. Look, if you love the show, if you get anything from this, if you find value in what’s being said here, leave me a review because, one, you are entering yourself into a chance to win some free coaching.

And when you get coached, it’s a lot different than listening to the podcast. In the podcast, I tell you what the process is, but when you get coached by me, it applies to you. Like whatever personal issue you’re struggling with, it’s very specific and it helps you directly.

So number one, leave some feedback, because it puts you in the running for free coaching. Number two, because other people are going to find value from this as well. And the more reviews I get, especially the more positive reviews I get, more five-star ratings and awesome reviews I get, the higher I rate and the more people are going to find the show.

So go now and leave a review. That’s the first thing I want to tell you guys. And number two, guys, have a merry Christmas. Enjoy this holiday season. I know, for a lot of people, holidays aren’t that great, but again, what is a holiday? It’s a circumstance.

It’s a circumstance, you can think anything you want about it. So get out there, have some fun. You guys are amazing. You’re all alpha men. You’re all alpha men, you just might not be living it yet. You just might not be believing it yet, but you are there. You were born this way. You were born an alpha male.

If you have any questions for me, you can go to my website, there’s a flip-card there, Ask Kevin, and I look forward to hearing from you guys. Leave questions in the comments, leave me a review. I will see you next week. And until then, unleash your alpha.

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Alpha Male Coach Podcast. If you enjoy what you’ve heard and want even more, sign up for Unleash Your Alpha – your guide to shifting to the alpha mindset – at thealphamalecoach.com/unleash.