Ep #12: Change with Confidence

Welcome to The Alpha Male Coach Podcast, the only podcast that teaches men the cognitive mastery and alpha-mindset that it takes to become an influential and irresistible man of confidence. Here’s your host, certified life coach and international man of mystery, Kevin Aillaud.

What’s up, brothers. Welcome back to The Alpha Male Coach Podcast. I am Kevin Aillaud, and we are going to get started this week with what I do. What do I do? What does an Alpha Male Coach do?

Let me start by telling you guys the truth. Here’s the truth that you should know. It’s important that you know this; you are already an alpha male. You are. You’re an alpha male because you exist, because you are here, because you have been born, you’re an alpha male. You were born an alpha male.

I know that that might sound crazy. I know that you may think, how is it that I’m an alpha male and everybody’s an alpha male when this concept of alpha male is selective? Like, there’s only so many. I want you guys to know that that is erroneous.

That is an old paradigm. It’s an old definition for what an alpha male is. You see, there’s a difference between alpha men and beta men, and we’re all alpha men and we have the potential to all be beta men as well. It’s really not a matter of behavior or lifestyle or living conditions or material possessions or social status.

It has nothing to do with any of that. The difference doesn’t follow any of the old definitions of alpha or beta. Now, it doesn’t follow into these two definitions for two reasons. First, because the more we find out about animals in the wild, the more we realize that the notion of the alpha is based on lower-brain thinking.

So the alpha in a wolf pack or the alpha in a gorilla family, it’s like social, physical, or relational dominance. Human beings, for the most part, rely on higher-brain functioning, which eliminates this notion of pack mentality, of alpha mentality.

Second of all, all of the old definitions of alpha that we have in our species, in the human species, is behavioral based. Now, human behavior is not static, unlike the behavior of other higher order primates. Higher order primates have a fairly predicted behavior pattern on sustenance needs or tribe survival mentality.

That is why we can predict the behavior of higher order primates, because their living conditions are fairly simple. Human beings, on the other hand, have the ability to change their reality paradigm and capacity as life conditions become more complex.

So as life conditions become more complex, humans go through a bio cycle social process of metamorphosis that no other species on the planet does. We are unique in the animal kingdom. And for these two reasons, any previous or current definition of alpha is naïve, or erroneous, at best, and can be oppressive or destructive at worst.

Now, guys, I’ve read dozens of books on being an alpha man and they have no coherence whatsoever. They have no coherence with each other. Old thinking of alpha males is this kind of social or physical or relational dominance. And this type of thinking relies on scarcity principles.

I want you to think about it like this; if you’ve got a pie and you take out one-tenth of this pie and say, “This is the alphas…” then the other nine-tenths are just betas and you just have to deal with that. And that’s scarcity. That’s saying that only so many of us can be alphas and the rest of us just have to follow along; the rest of us just have to deal.

That is not the case. It’s interesting though because you ask 100 people what an alpha male is and you’re going to get 100 different answers. There is no cohesive definition of this term.

So one of the things that I do, one of the things that I am doing is to define the term alpha male as it relates to the 21^st century, as it relates today. And I’m making this definition a measurable, observable, and repeatable definition so it’s rooted in science. And that definition is this; that definition is the alpha is the man who is the same in all circumstances, is the same person in all circumstances.

Now, here’s the thing; you guys know, based on the universal truth for how life works, that how you behave is an effect of your thinking. Your thoughts create emotions and your emotions drive your actions. So your actions are basically a symptom of your thoughts.

The difference between the alpha male and the beta male is this, this is the definition, guys. This is the definition that I’m putting forth to you here and now so that you can understand this. And that is that the alpha male deliberately chooses his thoughts to create his emotions that will drive his actions and determine his results.

He is literally creating his results by choosing how to think, by choosing what to think. The beta, on the other hand, is this victim of circumstance. the beta male does not either know the universal truth, or does not align themselves with it so that he makes deliberate conscious choices of thinking which will create his emotions that drive his action that determine his results.

He believes that his results are just kind of luck or his results are the way things are, the way they’re meant to be, that he’s not in control of his life. So you can hear it in the way people talk when you say things like, “I want to, I choose to, I will do this.” These are words of an alpha because they are deliberate, whereas a beta would say things like, “I have to, I need to, I should do this.”

The beta is abdicating responsibility. They’re saying that they don’t have control over their actions, what they do, it’s like they just have to. They have to live this way, they have to be this way, they have to behave this way.

Now, you can kind of think about it this way; the alpha is the chooser. The alpha is the consciousness behind the thought. The alpha is the one – the part of you, because you are an alpha, you have this ability – who deliberately decides what the sentence in your brain is going to be so that you can create the emotion that will drive the action that you want to take to get the results that you’re looking for in your life.

The beta is the choice. The beta is the thought itself. The beta is the sentence in the brain, and if you don’t believe that you have control over the sentence in your brain, that is when you’re living like a beta. When you know and can start to learn the skill set of deliberately choosing your thoughts to create your emotions, that is when you unleash your alpha.

And I’m telling you guys, you all have this ability. We all, as human beings, have this ability. You are an alpha male. You are. The difference between that alpha and that beta is living in chaos or living in order; living in control of your results or living as a victim of your circumstance.

So the alpha is in control of his results. He deliberately chooses his thoughts. The beta is a victim of his circumstance. He does not believe that he is creating his life as time unfolds.

So that’s the new definition. That’s the new definition that I am giving to the term alpha male. Now, here’s the thing; let’s go back to what I do. A lot of people have asked me what I do, “So, you’re The Alpha Male Coach, what do you do?” I help men learn to feel confident in all situations. And the byproduct is that they are then attractive in all situations.

Now, what do I mean by attractive? Attractive to themselves, attractive to women, attractive in business deals, attractive to money, they attract more money in their life. They’re basically attractive to their goals because they are attracting the results that they want. And I do that by helping you to create more confidence.

Now, confidence is an emotion. So really, what we’re doing is we’re working with the mind to deliberately choose the thought that creates this powerful emotion of confidence. And when you feel confidence, my brother, that is when you take the action that best serves your life, because confidence is the emotion of massive action.

So I basically help men facilitate change; behavioral change and existential change.  I’m going to talk about the former first. We’re going to talk about behavioral change first, and then we’re going to get into that complex idea of existential change.

So behavioral change – and you go back a couple of podcasts, I did mention this a little bit when we discussed urges and desires, but behavioral change is essentially changing your thoughts; your thinking about your behavior, about your life, about you. And the idea here is that behaviors are symptoms.

The cause of all behavior is thought. Your thinking creates your emotions. Your emotions will drive your behavior. So quite literally, if we do like a cause and effect, if we do this scientific cause and effect thing, the cause is the thought, the effect is the emotion, the cause is the emotion, the effect is the behavior, the cause is the behavior, the effect is the result.

And you put A to B, B to C, C to D, and what do you have? A creates D – your thinking creates your results. That is the universal truth. You guys know this. But I want you to think of behavior as being the symptom, like the same way when you have the common cold virus, the cause of the cold virus is the virus itself. It’s what’s happening in your body to your white blood cells, to your immune system.

That is the cause of the cold. The symptoms of the cold are the coughing or the sneezing, the congestion, the runny nose, all the symptoms. Now, we take pills to alleviate symptoms, but that doesn’t take away the cold. That doesn’t remove the cold itself. You still have the cold virus, you just don’t have the symptoms anymore.

Now, the issue with this is that the cold’s always going to come back. Until that cold is gone, you’re still spreading it. You’re still going to be giving it to other people. The same way with this, sort of, behavioral change, if you try to change your behavior at the action level – if we go to the Model, CTFAR, you go to the action level and you try to change your behavior there, it is going to be ineffective.

It’s not going to last. You’re going to have to use willpower because you’re fighting your thoughts. Your thoughts are going to be telling you one thing and you’re going to be fighting, white-knuckling your thoughts using willpower in order to do something other than what you’re thinking. And that will only last for a certain time.

Willpower does deplete. Willpower does eventually run out. And when it runs out, that’s when old behaviors kick back up again. So what I do to help facilitate change in my clients at a behavioral level is basically go to the thought. We go to what they’re thinking and we literally rewire the brain to create a different emotion which drives a new action which changes the behavior.

This is permanent change because you’re changing your thinking. Now, I’m going to use pornography as an example because pornography is an epidemic in the world. It is something that I help a lot of men with, men who want to stop watching pornography.

If you just remove your access to pornography, if you just change your circumstance and you change your behavior, your actions, but you still have the urge, you still have the desire, then however long your willpower lasts is however long you’re going to stop watching pornography for. Once that willpower runs out, your brain, your thinking, your emotions, that urge will find a way. You will go back to the old behavior.

It’s the same with going on a diet. You go on a diet for two weeks, you go on a diet for 30 days, what happens at the end? You go back to the way you used to eat. Whenever that willpower runs out, that is when your old behaviors are going to step back in.

So to facilitate change at the behavioral level, we’re really looking at the thought. We’re going into the thought and I’m helping men to create their thinking, to deliberately become the alpha, to become the chooser instead of being a victim of the choice, instead of having the thought unconsciously create a thought and drive an action.

You take control of the thought and deliberately change that thought to rewire the brain; physically, biologically rewire the brain, which then creates a different chemical of emotion that drives a new action. And over time, that rewiring of that neural net, that neural pathway changes who you are. It completely changes the symptom of the thinking.

You are no longer behaving in the same way because you no longer have the same cause. You no longer have that cold virus. You no longer have the sneezing or the coughing because the cold virus has been eliminated. It doesn’t exist anymore.

So with behavioral change, we’re changing the thinking. We’re going into the brain and we’re rewiring the biology. Existential change, that other piece, is a little bit different because that is now changing the reason for the thinking. And it’s not something that we’re changing; it’s something that we’re adapting to.

So hear me out on this, guys. This can get a little complex. Human beings are unique. I mentioned that. I started with that. Human beings are unique in the animal kingdom. And the reason why we’re unique is because of life conditions, because our lives are constantly changing and increasing in complexity. This is the truth.

Now, some of us don’t have life conditions that increase our complexity. Some of us don’t. In certain parts of the world, very simple lifestyles, the life complexities, they don’t increase anymore, so people are able to settle into a certain type of life condition. But if your life conditions increase their complexity in such a way that the way you think, not what you think but how you think about it, what you make reality mean to you – which again, is that tie between the C to the T, the tie between the circumstances and the thought.

If how you think, if how you create those thoughts from your circumstances starts to change, if that complexity increases to where – it’s basically the idea that we’re not able to solve new problems with old thoughts. That’s something Albert Einstein said, we’re never going to solve our old problems with the same thinking. We have to create new thinking.

And what happens is that you move. You shift from a very orderly, a very nice sort of controlled alpha fit, alpha mindset of yes, I understand life, I understand the complexity of life, I get it, this is how life works. And all of a sudden, your life conditions present you with new complexities that kind of break you down.

You’re like, “Whoa, I thought I had this all figured out and I come to find out that there’s a lot more going on here. This is a very different world than what I was living in a week ago.” And what happens is your brain doesn’t have the speed to make the meaning of the higher order complexities give you peace. You’re having this sort of breakdown in existential reality.

When that happens, you go into a trap. You can very easily be brought down into this beta condition which puts you in the ground, puts you in a hold. It’s kind of like being put in a rear naked choke where you’re like, “I’m going out, either I’m tapping out or I’m going out.”

And when that happens, it’s very easy to succumb. It’s very easy to give up. It’s very easy to just say, “Oh, I don’t understand what’s happening.” Depressions sets in, guilt sets in, sometimes anger, confusion, doubt, worry, all kinds of fears. Sometimes those emotions will drive you into poor life choices, poor actions, drug use, again, pornography use, overeating, overdrinking.

It’s because your thinking, your thought processes are no longer matching up with the complexities of what life is presenting to you. So the second thing I do is I help men with those transitional pieces; getting through those existential changes that happen in human lives. Because our complexities, our human capacity, the biology of our brain and the psychology of our brain has the ability to adapt to the social structures as they increase as they become more complex.

Alright, guys, let’s summarize, let’s sum up and bring it full circle. So first, the definition. The old definition of alpha is out the door. I don’t care how many books you’ve read, I don’t care what your friends say. The concept of an alpha male being a socially or physically or relationally dominant male in a society where everybody else is just these following beta automatons is erroneous.

Here is the definition. First, everyone can be an alpha male, all of you. It’s not in comparison. It’s not, “You’re an alpha, you’re a beta, so I have one alpha for every ten betas.” It doesn’t work like that.

Here is the definition of an alpha and a beta; I’m going to give them to you both. You guys know that circumstances are neutral. All circumstances are neutral. So an alpha male bends circumstances to himself and a beta male bends himself to his circumstances.

So you can think about that as a definition. The beta male is going to change who he is based on where he is based on his circumstances. He’s going to say, look, when I’m in front of this woman, I’m going to be this way. When I’m in front of my friends, I’m going to behave that way. When I’m in front of my boss… It’s wishy-washy. You don’t know who you are so you show up for other people. You show up because you think other people want you to be this way. This is the beta mind.

The alpha mind is, this is me, unapologetically, this is me. this is who I am, deal with it. That’s the alpha mentality because the alpha male is in control of his cognition, of his mindset. And when you’re in control of your mindset, you can learn to create more confidence to that you are more attractive in your life, attractive to yourself, attractive to women, attractive in your business, attractive to money, attractive to the things that you want.

You’re literally attracting your results by choosing, by being the chooser of your thoughts rather than by reacting to your thoughts, rather than just sort of letting your mind control you, which is the beta, you are controlling your mind, which is the alpha.

Now, I help men do that. I help men take control of their mind by facilitating behavioral and existential change. So this is where we come back to this concept of choosing your thoughts to create your behavior or helping you move through the breakdown of what you’re thinking based on the increase of complexity.

So I help men do two things. Guys, I can help you with two things. Number one, I can help you with your behavior. If there is a behavior that you’re into that you’re doing that is not getting you the result that you want, that’s number one. I coach men on behavior.

Number two, if you’re in a transitional phase, if you’re in sort of this slump or this rut or this depressed – call it a midlife crisis if you want – if you’re in this place of stuck, of feeling trapped, if you’re in this condition where you need a little push to figure out what’s next, that is a movement in complexity. That is an increase in complexity of life conditions being presented where now we have to find new ways to look at the world so that you can find the solutions to these new problems.

That is what I do, guys. Now, usually I finish these podcasts by saying go to the iTunes, leave me a review, leave me a rating. I would love it if you would do that. It would be great. In a couple more weeks, I’m going to do a drawing where I take someone who has left me a review and I give them two hours of free coaching.

So I definitely recommend that you go to iTunes and leave me a five-star rating and leave me a little review. Say something, anything, positive, negative, it doesn’t matter. I want to hear back from you guys. I want to know if you love the show.

But I also want to offer this, because now I’ve just spent 20-25 minutes talking about what I do, it’s very different to hear about what I do than it is to actually be a client, be a student, and go through the process of how I do it.

So, if you go to my website thealphamalecoach.com, you’re going to find on that website a little tab at the top and it says, “Free 30-minute session.” Click on that. It will take you to my calendar where you can sign up for a free 30-minute session with me, and I’ll show you how this works.

I mean, I’ll literally coach you. So the difference between the podcast and the coaching is that, on the podcast, you hear about what I do, in the coaching, you’ll see firsthand how I do it. So go ahead and do that. It’s totally free. It will take you a couple of seconds to do it, to set up that booking time, and then just put 30 minutes aside, completely on your own, no distractions. 30 minutes, you can tell me what’s going on and we’ll work through some coaching and we’ll talk about whatever the behavioral change you’re looking for, or maybe it’s an existential change.

Maybe you’re in that place in life where things just don’t make sense right now, and that’s totally cool too. Whatever it is, I recommend that to you. I’m offering that to you. And as always, guys, I like to finish the podcast, as always, you are alpha men, every single one of you. There’s no scarcity. Forget the scarcity. It’s not like there’s only a certain amount of alphas in the world.

There’s nothing innate about being an alpha male. No one is born an alpha male, no one is born a beta male. You are an alpha man. Every single person listening is an alpha man. Alpha females too, the definition of being an alpha is being the chooser and not the choice, being the one who decides what to think, being the observer of the thought and the creator of the thought, not the thought itself, is being conscious of the mind and master of the mind rather than being the slave of the mind and allowing the mind to just kind of run itself, creating its own emotions and driving whatever actions you feel are out of your control, because that is the life of the beta.

The life of the alpha is cognitive mastery and emotional responsibility. I love you, guys. I really hope you go to the website, thealphamalecoach.com and book a session with me. I’d love to chat with every single one of you for at least 30 minutes. And until then, unleash your alpha.

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Alpha Male Coach Podcast. If you enjoy what you’ve heard and want even more, sign up for Unleash Your Alpha – your guide to shifting to the alpha mindset – at thealphamalecoach.com/unleash.